


god is a slytherin

by Inky_moro



Series: Anno Uno Scribere [103]
Category: Unus Annus - Fandom
Genre: Anno Uno Scribere, Feb 24, Inspired By: Granting Access Into Heaven's Sweet Gates, Memento mori, Unus Annus, poetic format?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:54:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29689809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inky_moro/pseuds/Inky_moro
Summary: mother, I'm blaspheming again
Series: Anno Uno Scribere [103]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016157
Kudos: 1





	god is a slytherin

**Author's Note:**

> This has a lot of incomplete thought
> 
> I'm stressed and procrastinating school in its entirety  
> pls forgive

It’s quite an odd concept   
to me at least  
and probably others as well  
the requirements for someone to get into heaven 

does heaven only accept good people?  
perfect people, I mean   
but since no one can truly be perfect  
what would perfect be   
in the eyes of heaven-  
in the eyes of this supposed almighty lord?

Did the christian god send jesus because they were lonely?  
or because they saw that flooding the entire earth  
and killing all but their loyal followers   
plus the animals they needed to survive

I just imagine this god being like   
“oh no, I don’t like the unicorns,  
I thought they would be cool  
but my magic system is now too confusing  
do not bring them on the ark”  
so…  
noah, was it?  
didn’t bring them  
and that was that   
the unicorns were now gone 

because who’s going to argue with a god?  
if this deity is all-knowing   
then they know exactly how to win an argument 

god is a slytherin 2021

I would read that,  
like,   
just imagine  
this manipulative almighty creator of the universe  
it totally works too,  
because making an entire universe is one hell of an ambitious project  
and then  
you go and you create all the plants and animals  
and fungi, bacteria  
oh my gods  
this god created viruses??

and then you scheme to get the humans to appreciate you more  
oh and your right hand angel decides you’re a dick   
and flies off with their own faction   
decides that they all want to party in hell  
and take care of themselves   
or whatnot 

I don’t know that much about satanists  
but they seem like pretty cool people 

*raises hand* I would like to join the gay party in hell  
I mean,  
if you think about it  
hell is just, more fun  
more personal

like god,   
god may be omnipresent or some shit  
but that’s because they literally have to manage the entire universe  
they don’t get a break   
except for that brief period when bruce and that other dude took over  
but that was another mistake they have since learned from   
you will never have god’s full attention

But lucifer and all their buddies  
they kinda busy too, ngl   
they gotta manage hell,   
probably do some newbie orientation,   
go to visit earth, try and undermine god or convince people god’s a dick   
check on jesus...

I’ve got a question  
Is the jebus dude still in hell?  
because he supposedly died for all our sins  
and since he took on all that sin  
he had to pay for that by going to hell  
and serving a sentence

as far as I’m aware people are still sinning  
and god’s pretty caught up with his whole  
holy trinity thing   
so there’s probably not going to be a jebus 2.0   
no upgraded model with 

so jebus is either still paying for   
every  
single   
persons  
sins  
or we’re all going to hell

I wonder if you can choose to go to hell  
and just,   
lighten the load for this jebus boy

cause he’s bound to have some daddy/mommy issues  
you think god visits hell to talk to their son?  
uses their valuable time on materializing a corporeal form in the pits of tartarus  
just to talk to this one human/demigod/part of themselves (it’s confusing, I know)   
yeah right bitch 

what if the demon bois, gorls, and nebes  
just bring jebus hot coco  
and tell him that he doesn’t have to be their maid  
(you honestly think they're gonna waste time torturing bad people?  
no!  
you just make them work for you  
and then they earn some soul brownie points  
so that they can transfer to heaven)  
or secretary or whatever  
but jebus insist  
because he supposed to pay for everybody's sin  
by doing office work

and like,  
the demons aren’t complaining  
but it really isn’t necessary   
they want jebus to know that he’s their friend  
not just their servant/intern dude

so they just slowly wear him down with coco  
that would be cute

[ concept:  
jebus becoming a satanist ]

cause if god is all powerful  
and god created lucifer and the demons  
couldn’t they un-create lucy and their siblings?  
and just like  
go into edit mode   
and press the delete button?

so therefore,  
jesus doesn’t have to suffer in hell for forever?

I could write the next bible fanfic   
like Dante’s Inferno

except Dante probably believed in god   
so...

**Author's Note:**

> Note: The fact is simply that God is a dick, and I think it makes the most sense for them to be Slytherin. If the Christian God exists, then, as I see it, they are ambitious and cunning (there's a reason the top 3 religions believe in this deity) which are the key traits of Slytherin house. 
> 
> thank you for your time, have a nice day  
> \- Inky :))


End file.
